2017 End-year Recap

距离要起床去机场还不到2个小时了。实在是辗转难眠,就起床开始写今年的倒数第二篇博客了。如果我在飞机上能读完那本书的话,还是会有一篇book review的。

先贴上2016年的回顾吧。毕竟格式是要保持一致的。

2017年回顾

上来先做个工作报告,回顾一下16年展望中的工作进展:

  • 博客数量至少100篇!

粗略数了数,17年目前为止总共写了62篇博客。其中技术类44篇更新在我的个人主页上。虽然没有完成既定的目标,但是我个人对这个数量还是比较满意的。年初的时候就基本发现1年写100篇博客其实还是不现实的。如果在这个数量前加个“有质量”的定语,那就更加不可能。“有质量”仅仅是指对我个人来说。技术博客9月份以前由于工作原因时间比较充分,所以还是可以好好看看书,然后写写的。但是到9月份的时候就有灌水之嫌了。所以,我就果断作罢,停止技术博客更新了。希望回国冬假期间能补上几篇。Wordpress的博客这一年来还是坚持每月至少更新一篇,整体质量还算说得过去,只有11月份灌水了一下,这里作为半吊子作家自我检讨一下。博客的灌水究其原因还是时间不够。随着开始硕士学习,课程强度使得我没时间沉淀。每天都在张着嘴,被老师拿各种新东西往里揣。现在感觉有点消化不良,希望冬假能沉淀沉淀。

  • 体脂比降到15%以下,体重降到70kg

看到这个是老泪纵横。在国内控制的可以叫做胜利在望,但是出来了就可以叫做惨不忍睹了。最好记录是72.6公斤,12%体脂比。主要出来检讨一下在国外这几个月骄奢淫逸的罪行。首先没弄个体重秤是最大的问题原因。果然没有数字的直接刺激,就很难评估每次运动的直接成果。其次就是吃了。最开始吃还是克制了一些,但是后来就非常放飞了。10月底开始我家来了个重要客人来我这入伙,那真是变成了想怎么吃就怎么吃了。一顿饭不仅要弄个2,3个蔬菜,连肉大部分时间都是既有白肉也有红肉。每次蒸米饭,我的手抓个3把就差不多了。但是由于客人实在太过尊贵,就抓个4,5把了。米饭真是个好东西。亚马逊19.99一大袋便宜不说,吃起来特别管饱。每次两个人坐在椅子上,互相看着对方拍着肚皮的样子,一种幸福感与安全感混杂的情绪就油然而生了。现在我做饭口碑算是小有建立起来了,至少在那位不能说名字的客人面前,我做的饭是属于管够并且“多搁点盐就是餐馆水平”的了。现在和我室友,以及那位客人相约减肥,为此我室友还搞了个体重秤。希望能如愿。

  • 看书频率要达到这位的速度

这个又是罪过了,完全没有达到预期。如果把全年以出国日期8月5号作为切割点的话,两段时间各自出现了一些问题。出国前看书偏细致,算法书逢题比作,看的实在是过于精细了一点。同时,自己文学类书籍看过一些,但是频率还是不及。出国后看书效率明显提升。这个主要得益于跳着看这个方法。 这里非常感谢Prof. Dana Ballard教的Machine Learning以及其他courses的老师们,自学成为主要学习手段。疯狂的project进度逼迫着我这个完美主义者向能用就行主义者的进化。看一本书直接就看最相关的章节,所有背景知识都是后补,并且如果又不理解的但又不影响阅读的,就画个标记搁置起来后边再看。意识到一本书可以看多遍的道理,所以第一遍读时的贪欲就少了很多,就不求每个点都读懂了。是的,写这段话的时候,我脑海里浮现的书名就是PRML。但是,一本书没有看完大部分章节终究还是不能说看过的,所以8月份后问题主要出现在时间不够上边。介于未来几年希望能读完PhD的我来说,状况可能改善不会太大。

  • 每读一本书都要写book review!

这个做的还是不错的。因为毕竟真正读完的就没有几本而且都集中在上班时期,所以每本读完的书都写过book review了。

  • 有所学校能收了我!

这个愿望算是实现了。感谢主。我来到了UT-Austin!

从2016年的展望来看,5个点真正完成的了只有最后两个,完成率40%,只能说一般。但是从2017年整体来看,我还是比较满意的。适应了从职场人到学生的转变,虽然第一学期的Graduate school非常难熬,但是我还是非常高兴自己能挺了下来。希望新的一年里能继续加油。

2018年展望

  • 向下扎根,向上结果

其实这是教会2018年要交通的主题。结合自己来看就是希望自己能够更加的了解神,接近神,信靠神。教会里属灵前辈讲男人是头。17年的第一学期主要参加的就是团契和主日了。祷告会一次也没有参加过,甚是惭愧。重要的客人这方面已经积累了10多年了,要超越不容易,但是还是要做。具体来说,18年希望内心得刚强。有的时候我深深佩服我这位客人。总觉得内心是刚强的,尤其在美国,在外旅行的时候。要向她学习。这点我觉得解决问题的关键还是在主那里。也许主让我和这位客人相遇就是想去除我内心上的软弱呢?我还是非常相信这点的。

  • 找到实习或者署研

这点其实是老生常谈的问题。研究方向成为了17年一个贯穿始终的话题。坦率的讲,我第一学期之后还是没有发现我真正的研究方向。NLP已经成为我AI方向中的头号Candidate。但是System那边还是希望能多explore一下再做最终决定。至少目前我是这样想的,但是不到课表确定的最后一刻,任何问题都还是说不定。确定了研究方向暑期研究具体做什么也就确定了很大一部分了。剩下的就是确定导师了。实习算是另外一个方向,主要是为了刷题多积累点动力。另外一学期的政治学习也积累了不少动力。

  • 有学校可上

18年底又又又要申请学校了,这次希望继续有神的保守。

这一切的一切都需要主的保守!

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Towards the end of the semester

Busy with the final projects. The takeaway from this semester is never picking two 395T courses at the same time. Sorry.

— Update: 01/03/18 —

Last semester ends up amazingly well. Every time I read this post, I always picture Prof. Dana Ballard’s pull-up gesture in my mind and how he compares the difficulty of coursework with the workout in a gym: you always want to lift a heavier weight to gain muscles. For an unknown reason, his voice and pull-up gesture always amuse me.

In relationships: a first taste

It’s October 30th today. I only have one more day left to compose a post for October. Blogging can be very hard during school time because there are endless tasks you need to get done in a timely fashion with certain expected results. Even though I have given up watching videoes, playing video games, writing technical blogs (almost) for this semester, I still want to write something here to keep the blogging trend going: I have written at least one post per month for the past two years. So, here it is.

There are many things happened in October and surprisingly, those things are all about the relationship: I got baptism to become a Christian, which indicates a new relationship with the God; I start seeing a woman, which is a relationship in a normal standard. One thing I am always curious about when I don’t involve those relationships is: how life can be different when you are in a relationship. Most of my knowledge on this matter is from the media and the people I observe. For the relationship with the God, I barely know anything. I haven’t actively thought about this since I graduated from the college and I won’t even think about being a Christian before coming to Austin. For the relationship with a woman, that I have been thinking about quite actively especially when I was a high school student. I always want to know the taste of being with someone. However, quite surprisingly, if you ask me now how life changed after being with God and being with a woman, I would say: the former one is quite significant but the latter one doesn’t change much.

Being with the God

Being with the God is a huge decision to me. I went to a church back in Madison for two years but I could barely feel anything internally. I always treat going church on Sunday morning as a way to sing some songs and take a break from study. However, after arriving in Austin and thanks to some incidents, the picture of God becomes clear to me. I start to feel the life journey I have been through is perfectly designed to me. Attending Madison for undergraduate makes me mentally strong to the setbacks and going back to China for work makes me grow up like an adult and start to learn all the soft skills I previously ignored: communication, love, and family. All those things prepare me to head back to the States and pursue the further study. In addition, I always know that I have sin but I don’t know what way can help me to get rid of that and start a new life. Even worse, I constantly get seduced by Satan to do the things that hurt my friends and my family. I know I’m wrong but the pleasure coming from the crime is just too much and that gives me the pulse to commit again next time. Thankfully, I have the chance to know the God and I get my way out of the vicious cycle.  After becoming a Christian, I learn to view things in God’s view and try to pass the love to others. I learn to forgive the conflict and do things in the honor of God. Thanks to God, he prepares a woman for me.

Being with a woman

Surprisingly, being in a relationship doesn’t change my life that much. I simply have one more person to care about and I need to allocate certain time for that person. This doesn’t differ from spending time with my parents previously. She is a Christian as well and we adhere to the same core values. All the rest of difference seems trivial to reconcile. However, we have been dating for like a month and we are still in the calibration period: we start to know more about each other and be careful with the relationship traps that people usually fall into. However, with the help of the God, I think I’ll be fine.

Does teaching matter?

I really hesitate whether I should spend my precious hours during the working days composing this blog post. However, I feel I should. I wrote down the title several days ago but I felt some pieces were missing to formal a relative concrete post. However, today, the miracle happened and I can finally complete my puzzle.

Several days ago, I feel quite frustrated because there is a homework due for one of my classes and I have no clue how to finish it. I dig into the books on the subject and try to research the solution out. The most frustrating part isn’t the whole process of seeking answers. It from the lectures. The class is quite popular among the CS graduate student and no matter what areas of their research, everyone I know in the program will take this class sooner or later. The professor for the class is quite famous for his research but I have to say that the quality of the teaching is controversial. By controversial, I mean there is a debate in my head on whether his style of teaching is good or not. If you are familiar with Prof. Andrew Ng’s CS229 lecture videos, then his style is exactly opposite of Prof. Andrew Ng’s. Unlike Prof. Andrew Ng’s mathematical teaching style, professor in my class skips most the f derivations of the formulas and in some cases, he will read through the slides and talk loud about some steps of the derivation. He usually ends the 90 minutes lecture 30 minutes early and in-between he may make some jokes or take a diverge into his research areas that might seem related to lecture topic. The good side of his teaching is that he may offer some intuitions or insights on why we perform those steps and sometimes those few words may help you connect the dots. His teaching style may look like a good fit for someone has a solid background in the field but if you are relatively new to the field, you may have some hard time. This “twisted” class partially leads to my question in the title: “Does teaching matter?” For me, under the context of trying to finish the homework, I cannot see any good from my professor’s lecture style.

The reason that I now look quite peaceful in accepting his lecture style is because of some new insights into research. In a nutshell, you just really don’t have enough time getting everything figured out all at once. Once you’re inside the graduate courses, you will start to read research paper immediately. There can be a lot of background knowledge you need to clear up especially you are new to a field. However, can you say “let me take a pause and get everything figured out at the first.”? No! There are unstoppable piles of papers coming to you and all you need is try to iteratively make best out of the paper. If there are mathematical formulas you don’t understand, in most cases, that’s ok as long as you get a big picture of the paper. The formulas matter the most when you actually start to build your own models. But, that’s not like I have to super clear about every bit of variables appeared in the set of formulas. Many of times, you can take them as given and go straight to use them as basic bricks to build your own building. This feels a lot like playing with LEGO: you don’t care how each piece is made of. You simply use them to build your stuff. The way of looking at knowledge is totally different from your undergraduate where you are tested out every bit of information taught in class through the exam. This observation may look easy but it is really hard from psychological perspective especially when you are a strict person who holds tight to your knowledge system. This psychological barrier is hard to break when you have relative enough time to read through a single paper. You may really hog onto the background or related work section of the paper and you may think there is always a piece of information that you find yourself unclear. Then, you take several months to study the material in order to move a few words to the next sentence of the paragraph. That’s exactly the beauty of the graduate school where you get bombarded by the papers. You just simply don’t have enough time to get everything cleared up before moving on. Classes are heavily centered around the papers and you are sort of expected to figure out on your own by adopting an iterative approach to the knowledge understanding. Take PCA algorithm as an example. The first pass of the material may just simply know how to follow the algorithm and implemented it. The second pass of the material may involve understanding the intuition behind the method and some mathematics derivations. The third pass of the material may actually need to dive to figure out every bit of information and so on.

Now, let’s get back to the question: “Does teaching matter?” It is sort of yes and no question depending on the perspective. From the undergraduate perspective, the hand-holding strategy is probably the must because that’s how we help students build the solid knowledge foundation and allow them to have the basic strategies to survive in the water. Now, for graduate students, it’s debatable whether we should go freestyle of teaching like my professor of the class or we still proceed somewhat like hand-holding but with modification. I guess that depends on the information that the instructor wants to deliver: knowledge itself or how the research is done.

P.S. The miracle happened to me today is during the calculus discussion section, a bunch of freshman chats out loud when I try to explain the solution of the problem to the class. That brings me to think whether the education quality of public system relatively weak compared to the private institutions is due to the quality difference of students. People may think that the reason why faculty in public universities don’t really care about teaching that much is due to the lack of the incentives. But, I’m now starting to think whether that also probably involves another party as well: the students who in short give the wrong signals to the faculty who try hard to achieve teaching excellence. That’s probably an another post in the future.

 

“work-life balance” at school

Everything so far goes great for me. Austin is a nice place: you don’t have to worry about extremely cold weather and unlike Beijing’s summer, the summer here is not about humid air. Everything feels both familiar and strange at the same time. The usual part is that the school life style is the one that I’m most familiar with. However, on the other hand, it feels a little bit strange to me because I become quite okay with working style: you get up, go to work, and after eight hours, you go back home and sleep. To be honest, there isn’t much pressure when you can enjoy your adult single life. You just get out of school, and there is no intensively homework due, and you are free to do whatever you want after work. That’s why I have the opportunity to write bunch of blog posts in the past two years. But, taking a break from work and heading back to school is totally different story. You need to adjust your time schedule back to probably the most intensive and high pressure schedule. There are endless deadlines you have to meet and all of them are quite intense. You cannot say to your professor that due to the limit of resources, you have to push back the GA date of your programming assignment. All in all, you are expected to get the job done in a timely fashion at school (of course, you are also expected this from your boss but lots of factors can make this sentence not strictly hold in a real setting working environment).

That brings up one important issue that people usually emphasize the most when they work: work-life balance. Specifically, under the academia setting, the question becomes:  does work-life balance matter to the students? In my early college year, the answer I’ll give is “No!”. The reasoning is simple: I’m in a state of endless worry. I worry about the job hunting; I worry about I become lazy and don’t make enough out of the expensive tuition and cost of living. So, I spend most of time working at library or labs in the hope of that “hard working” can make myself less anxious. The end result is not good. I can practice this life style until I’m sophomore and I quickly burn out when I’m junior and senior. Those years the intensity of advanced classes and the work in research labs make me breathless. Thanks to the cold weather in Wisconsin, things become even worse: I feel depressed and hopeless. I don’t want to work at all. I end up spending whole days playing video games and I even skip the final exam to my algorithm class in the Fall semester of my junior year.

Now, after two years of work, I gain some new insights from this miserable experience. One thing is about the worry itself. I have been reading Dale Carnegie’s book “HOW TO STOP WORRYING and Start Living“, and in this book, the author says the following:

Clearly, what I needed was a textbook on how to conquer worry – so again I tried to find one. I went to New York’s great public library at Fifth Avenue and Forty-second Street and discovered to my astonishment that this library had only twenty-two books listed under the title WORRY. I also noticed, to my amusement, that it had one hundred eighty-nine books listed under WORMS. Almost nine times as many books about worms as about worry! Astounding, isn’t it? Since worry is one of the biggest problems facing mankind, you would think, would’t you, that every high school and college in the land would give a course on “How to Stop Worrying”? Yet, if there is even one course on that subject in any college in the land, I have never heard of it. No wonder David Seabury said in his book How to Worry Successfully: “We come to maturity with as little preparation for the pressures of experience as a bookworm asked to do a ballet.”

I have strong feelings towards this text. Lots of important lessons are barely taught or even mentioned in school. In most cases, you seem to be expected to find them out on your own from your own experience. It’s a “Swim or Sink” situation. I don’t blame our education system for this because you can hardly come up with a way to teach a course about “worry” with proper assignments and exams. However, those lessons are so crucial to people and you’d better have some tools in your mental toolbox to know how to handle it. Otherwise, sooner or later, some situation or life events will eat you up just like what happened to me in my junior year. There is a sentence from Jesus: “Take no thought for the morrow.”, which gets translated into “Have no anxiety for the tomorrow” in modern English. In other words, we try our best for today and hope for the best. This one is important for me because I don’t want to work ten hours day because of the worry. I want to work ten hours a day because I just want to work on the day.

Work-life balance means important to research as well. There is no doubt that research is a hard job and unquestionably, I will meet various difficulties when working on research projects. However, I want my future self know that even I face challenge in research, I can still have life. I don’t want to put all my eggs in one basket. This is just like researchers want to work on multiple research projects because you always have plan B when one project doesn’t go well. Keeping work-life balance can help you when you start losing faith in this job because, all in all, you still have something left in your pocket.

Leaving IBM

To be honest, this is probably the most difficult post I have ever written. This is majorly because there is a ton of stuff I want to say but I’m unsure whether I should keep them public or should keep it to myself. Another factor that makes this post hard to write is because the span of drafting. I have been drafting this post since April in 2016, right after when I decide to start the whole process of quit-IBM-and-get-a-PhD project.  I used to use this post as a log to record things and feelings when somethings happens around me at IBM. Frankly, if I take a look at the stuff I record (mostly are rantings) retrospectively, lots of stuff still hold but the anger just passes away with the time. So, that year-long drafting really makes me hesitate even more because the mood when those stuff are written are gone. However, two years can be a significant amount of time and quitting IBM can be called “an end of era” and I should give a closure to my happy-and-bitter experience with IBM anyway. So, here it goes.

 

Thank you, IBM!

I’m really thankful for the opportunities working with IBM. This experience really makes me grow both technically and mentally.  Technical-wise, I have the opportunity to get hands on experience with DB2 development. DB2 as a database engine is extremely complex. It has over 10 million lines of code and it is way beyond the scope of any school project. Working on those projects are quite challenging because there is no way you can get clear understanding of every part of the project. I still remember when I attend the new hire education on DB2, there is one guy says: “I have been working on the DB2 optimizer for over 10 years but I cannot claim with certainty that I know every bit of the component I own.” This fact really shocks me and based upon my experience so far, his claim still holds but with one subtle assumption, which I’ll talk about later. There are lots of tools are developed internally and reading through both the code and tool chains are a great fortune for any self-motivated developers. I pick a lots of skills alongside: C, C++, Makefile, Emacs, Perl, Shell, AIX and many more. I’m really appreciated with this opportunity and I feel my knowledge with database and operating system grow a lot since my graduation from college.

Mentally, there are also lots of gains. Being a fresh grad is no easy. Lots of people get burned out because they are just like people who try to learn swim and are put inside water: either swim or drown. I’m lucky that my first job is with IBM because the atmosphere is just so relax: people expect you to learn on your own but they are also friendly enough (majority of them) to give you a hand when you need help. I still remember my first ticket with a customer is on a severity one issue, which should be updated your progress with the problem daily. There is a lot of pressure on me because I really have no clue with the product at the very beginning. I’m thankful for those who help me at that time and many difficult moments afterwards. That makes me realize how important is to be nice and stay active with the people around you.  Because no matter how good you are with technology and the product, there are always stuff you don’t know. Staying active with people around you may help you go through the difficult moment like this by giving you a thread that you can start at least pull. In addition, participating with toastmasters club really improve my communication and leadership skills and more importantly, I make tons of friends inside the club. Without working at IBM, I probably won’t even know the existence of the toastmasters club. If you happen to follow my posts, you’ll see lots of going on around me when I work at IBM. Every experience you go through offer you a great opportunity to learn and improve yourself. Some people may look at them as setbacks but for me, I look at them as opportunities.

toastmasters1

( the picture on the left is all the comments people give to me about my speech and on the right is the awards I have earned inside the club in these two years)

With the help of all those experience, I have developed a good habit of writing blogs (both technical and non-technical), reading books, and keep working out six days per week. All those things cannot be possible if I work at a place where extra hour work commonly happened. I’m very thankful for IBM for this because staying healthy both physically and mentally are super critical for one’s career. Even though those stuff don’t directly come from IBM, but IBM does provide the environment to nurture this things to happen.

 

IBM has its own problem. The problem is centered around people. There are many words I want to say but I think I’ll keep them secretly but I want to show my point with a picture:

ibm_survey

I don’t know why IBM’s term “resource action” on firing employees and the sentence “IBM recognize that our employee are our most valuable resources.” bother me so much. I probably just hate the word “resource” as a way to directly describe people and how this word get spammed so much around IBM. I know everyone working for a big corporation is just like a cog in a machine. However, what I feel based upon lots of things happened around me is that IBM as its attitudes represented by its first-line managers (because those people I commonly work with) makes this fact very explicitly. It hurts, to be honest. No matter how hard you work and no matter how many prizes you have earned for yourself and your first-line manager, you are nothing more than a cog in a machine, which is not worth for high price to have you around because there are many cogs behind you that are ready to replace you. They are much cheaper, much younger, and more or less can work like you because your duty in the machine is just so precisely specified, which doesn’t really depend on how much experience you have had under your belt. To me, that’s devastating.

This leads to the problem that talented people are reluctant to stay with company. My mentor and the people are so good with DB2 have bid farewell to the team. That’s really sad to me because they are the truly asset to the company and the product. The consequence of this is that crucial knowledge is gone with people. Some quirks existing in the product are only known by some people and once they leave the company, the knowledge is gone with them. That makes mastering of the product even harder. That’s the subtle assumption that the person makes during the new hire education and that’s also part of the problem when working with legacy code. The whole legacy code issue is worth another post but one thing I now strongly believe is that any technical problem has its own root cause in company culture and management style. To me, I’m not a guru now but I cannot see the way to become a guru with my current position, which scares me the most

That’s it for this section and I’ll leave the rest to my journal.

书评:《男人的一半是女人》- 张贤亮

这本书立在我的书架上很久了。我曾经被它的标题所吸引,但是翻开到第一部第一章,开头却是这样子的:

也许我过去见到过她而没有留意,也许我从来没有见到过她。总之,这一次,她却给我留下了一个非常深刻的印象。

两个月前,我从大组被抽调出来,去管水稻田。在劳改队里,我是大组长,调到田管组,我仍然是田管组组长。

我顿时失去了兴趣。这本书似乎描写的并不是我脑海中特定的画面。我就把它丢到了一旁去看我的电脑去了。但是,在半个月前的某个晚上,我实在是难以忍受电脑所散发的热量,来到了卧室书架旁,想随便找一本书翻翻。我对外国文学的喜爱程度远不及我啥事吧对英文技术书籍的热衷程度的。一个个拗口的名字不停的摧残着我大脑的记忆力:莎士比亚的剧本我一部也没有完整的读下来过,每次总是边往后看,边捏着前几页出场人物表不放,像查字典似的费力的啃着每一个字。当我的目光划过《男人的一半是女人》的时候,自然而然的我就伸手把他从书架上取了下来。

这本小说在我看来一大特点就是真实。这种真实源于作者对人性的描写。这点在以文化大革命为背景下就显得更加弥足珍贵。众所周知,人的欲望是没办法被遮盖的。这个和他所处的时代和文化背景是没有什么关系的。很多文学影视作品,在描写某个特定时间年代的时候,都会不自然的从某些特定的角度去描写。比如说,描写长征或者抗日题材的话,一个非常常见的角度就是尝试着从艰苦,人民被外敌蹂躏等角度去描写。承然这种角度本身是没有任何问题,也反映了当时的时代特点。但是,不得不承认的是,长此以往的这样描写,时代中的人物不免会固话在某种特定印象中:比如思想觉悟高,时刻准备牺牲等。这种固然会起到使人物形象高大化的目的,但是与此同时却又使人物脱离了一个正常人的正常喜怒哀乐,人之欲望等特点。变相的使形象与读者脱节,造成了一种符号化的印象。从这种角度来看,张贤亮的《男人的一半是女人》取得了某种意义的突破。虽然整个故事的时代背景是文化大革命等各种建国初期的整风运动,但是作者却从文中男主老章和女主的黄香久的感情故事入手,既反应了当时人们的心理特点和生活常态,又从侧面通过老章的所思所想,表达了作者对文化大革命等整风运动的观点。

作者的真实描写是多方面的,甚至以我现在的眼光来看,作者的描写显得露骨,有时候甚至让我觉得我在看的是一本小黄书。比如说作者在描述女劳改犯在劳改队的生活状态时,他是这样写到的:

据他们说,女人在劳改队里比男人难熬,她们脆弱的神经忍受不了孤独,她们总要寻求爱抚、支持和保护。有的女犯隔着铁窗向警卫人员调情:“班长,你的小老鼠要咂水水子么?”

这种用词读起来的感觉和我上中学时大火的电视剧《蜗居》中宋思明对海萍说的“你想吃我的棒棒糖么?”非常像。一种成人的味道从文字中弥漫出来。再比如书中主人公老章最开始是没有性生活能力的。但是,在他舍身堵住快要决堤的大坝的窟窿后,他发了高烧,书中的女主人公黄香久解开了衬衣像温暖老章冰冷的额头,描写是这样子的:

她拽开的也不是她的衬,而是她的胸脯。在我面前,两大团雪白的莲花似的乳房一下子裸露无疑,莲花中间是彤红的花蕊,花朵还在一池清水中荡漾。花朵和花蕊,都比我记忆中的更大、更鲜明、更具有神韵。

石破天惊!我骤然产生了一种我从未有过的冲动。这就是爱情?我一伸手搂住了她。。。

“你好了!” 她的声音从很深很深的水底浮了上来。

”是的。。。我也不知道。。。” 我笑了。一种悲切的和狂喜的笑,一种痉挛的笑。笑声越来越大,笑得全身颤抖,笑得流出了眼泪。

“你还。。。能吗?” 水底又浮上来模糊的声音。

“能!”我恶狠狠地说。

书中像这样的描写其实有很多。这对读者来说是一种小刺激。但是,同时我却非常感谢作者这一种坦诚。在那个年代里,可以想象,崇高理想并不会让一个人时刻保持着活下去的冲动。但是,相反,恰恰是这种人性欲望和情感需要才会让人能艰难度过那段时光。老章最开始没有性能力其实并不是老章自身有什么生理问题。恰恰相反,从这次以及老章在林子中和黄香久的一段云雨看出,老章的身体其实一点问题也没有。那么是什么让老章最开始不能的呢?其实是心理上的一种压抑。这点从老章在第一次和黄香久相遇的场景就可以看出。老章和黄香久第一次相遇是黄香久在池塘了洗澡出浴的时候。老章第一次看到女人的裸体 。长时间艰苦的劳动改造和自己的本能让老章想要与她欢愉一番(”开始,我的眼睛总不自觉地朝她那个最隐秘的部位看。“)而黄香久也摆出了一番欲迎还拒的姿态(”她并不急于穿衣服,却聊下手中的内裤,像是畏凉一样,两臂交叉地将两手搭在两肩上,正面向着我。“)。但是老章总后却没有行动,他用自己的理性战胜了自己的欲望,但是与此同时这也给老章带来莫大的内心痛苦:

就在这孤零零的土屋里,就在这张散发着霉味和汗臭味的炕上,我展开过各式各样有关女人和爱情的幻想。所以,我非常的懊悔,我失去了一个极为难得的机会;可是,我又很感自豪,觉得自己经受住了一次严峻的考验。但究竟是什么?我也说不清。啊,魔障啊,魔障!是什么阻止了我扑上前去?既然那种精神上和肉体上的饥渴同时折磨这我和她,既然我们身上都烙印着苦难的印记,为什么我们不能再苦难中偷得片刻的欢愉?

我开始蔑视我过去所受到的全部教育。文明,不过是约束人的绳索,使一切归于人,发自人的本性的要求都变得那么复杂,那么可望而不可及。如果我象那些普通的农民劳改犯就好了。但我又庆幸自己过去受了教育,是文明使我区别于动物,使我能克制自己,在关键时刻表现出了人,也只有人才能表现出的高尚行为;我有自由意志,我可以选择,因而我要对自己的行为负责。然而,倘若我迎了上去,世界也并不会因此更坏些;我转身逃了开区,世界也没有因此变得更好。我,一个劳改犯,一只黑蚂蚁,还谈得上什么用行为合乎道德规范这点来自宽自慰?何况,如果我认为自己是道德的,就必定认为她是不道德的,而我又有什么权利在心里职责她?那不正是曾在自己幻想中出现过的场景吗?我对自己的行为负责,那么谁又曾对我负过责任?社会的责任似乎就全在于折磨我和迫害我。

。。。 那么,刚刚我要是与她媾合了,我就将不成其为我,我今后的命运就可能大大改观–

据说,人一生的命运就是一连串一环套一环的因果关系。不过,我又怎能知道改观以后的命运必然更糟?说不定我还能从此割断束缚我的精神绳索,还原成一个人,一个原始的人,在这个野蛮荒唐的年代,用野蛮人的方式去荒唐地生活。。。

我对老章这番思想斗争还是颇有感触的。因为,不论在何种年代,做一个好人真的是非常非常的不容易的。有些时候,在生活中你会发现似乎最后总是坏人,不道德的人,没有那么多像老章这种精神束缚的人笑到了最后。就像老章说得那样:“我对自己的行为负责,那么谁又曾对我负过责任?社会的责任似乎就全在于折磨我和迫害我。” Google的名言是“Don’t be evil”。但是,仔细想想,这是一个多么高的道德要求:”倘若我迎了上去,世界也并不会因此更坏些;我转身逃了开区,世界也没有因此变得更好。“ 如何在面对诱惑,面对那些最后 ”be evil”然后获得利益好处的做法,保持一种不作恶的行为准则。这是多么苛刻的要求。最后,也许就像老章那样,不停地去压抑自己,去符合社会所谓的准则,去活下去。但是,这真的是“活着“吗? 我不知道,书中也似乎没有给出这方面的答案。最后,老章为了自己的信念选择了离开黄香久。这也许是老章选择的 “活着”的一种方式。那么,我们自己真正应该以一种怎样的姿态去活着呢? 我还没有一个明确的答案。

注:我真是太喜欢这种纸页泛黄的书读起来的感觉了!

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